This week is National Grief Week (2nd Dec 24). I would like you to consider how you can support others experiencing grief, and maybe the support that you need too. Grief is very much part of my job as a funeral celebrant. While I am not a grief counsellor, understanding the impact of grief is important. Some of my insights are from personal experience, but others are from researching the topic.
Talking about grief
Talking about grief is difficult. It’s often difficult for those who are grieving, and it can be difficult for others.
I mean – what do you say? “I’m sorry about your loss.” And then just carry on?
I remember the people who connected with me in the months after my brother died. The people who mopped my tears, hugged me, and allowed me space to talk.
But when I moved to a new city nine months later, I didn’t know how to open the conversation. “Oh and by the way, my brother was killed in January, and I feel like s*** still.” It seemed too much to say.
Sometimes it is emotional
I guess sometimes people are scared or maybe embarrassed. Scared of crying in the workplace, in the classroom, at the shops. Scared of crying and not stopping. Scared of raising emotions in others and having to mop up their tears. Scared of feeling inadequate in the face of another’s grief.
Even now, getting on for 30 years I still cry on occasions. Especially when I am talking with my sister. We cry together.
But not everyone who is grieving cries. They could be angry or withdrawn or seem totally normal.
So how long does grief last?
From my perspective, it can last forever. In the early days it can be like carrying a very heavy rucksack for the first time on a long walk. It is exhausting. And then you get used to the load, adapt, and start taking in the scenery. That is, until you hit a hill or need to clamber over something. Then it can really start to hurt and weigh you down again.
Yet the experience of grief is not always the same. Grieving for my mum dying with dementia came before death. Eleven months on, I am more reconciled and less outwardly emotional about her death compared to that of my brother’s death. There have been days when I wanted ‘my mummy’ back in her former motherly younger self, but there is less of that terrible heartache.
Giving support
No-one is expected to everyone be a grief counsellor, but being able to acknowledging the impact of grief on others is important. A small gesture such as giving someone space to say how they are feeling. Asking what support they need to make it through the day at work or in their study setting. Recognising that someone grieving may feel embarrassed about showing emotions and reassuring them it is ok if they are crying.
But it is also important to remember that they may need this space and support in years to come, not only in the first few weeks following a death.
Organisations that help with grieving people
There are many different organisations that support those experiencing grief. Some are new and I have only recently discovered.
Many people have heard of Cruse. This UK charity that supports anyone who is bereaved and has a helpline. Cruse has now started Grief First Aid training, which I will be looking into.
I wish that ‘The Student Grief Network’ had been around 30 years ago, when I was a grieving student.
Recently I listened to an impressive set of testimonials from users of the The New Normal Charity. This organisation offers a range of online peer support groups. They offer specific groups like ‘Boys Talk’, ‘Girls Talk’, ‘It’s Complicated’ (when isn’t it?) and ‘Queer Grievers’ for the LGBTQ+ community, which can feel safer than a generic grief group.
Some actions for you.
- Check in on people who have experienced a death that has affected them, not just in the first few weeks.
- Give people space to talk and ask them how you (or the workplace) can support them. They may not know immediately, so do follow up.
- Ask your employer to offer grief first aid or similar training.
- Talk about your own experiences of grief.
©Juliet Jain Celebrant December 2024
