Deciding when to celebrate
My mum died at the start of 2024. There was a flurry of admin and decisions to be made about a funeral. Mum didn’t have an end-of-life plan, nor had she expressed any wishes.
Celebrating Mum’s life was necessary for family and friends. How we should celebrate required careful negotiations between disparate personal values and religious beliefs across the family. My sister wanted a direct cremation with a celebration of life some weeks afterwards. My brother thought it more appropriate for everyone to have the ceremony with mum in her coffin present. After some discussion, we went with my brother’s wishes.
Getting the right funeral director
Our funeral director at Divine Ceremony, Bristol, supported us with each step. I had made contact with them prior to mum dying, as part of developing my relationship with funeral directors across Bristol and Bath. The moment I met them, I knew that mum would be at home there. It was her kind of place.
The funeral director gently took me through our different options. The result was a beautiful, personalized ceremony in their ‘Sanctuary’ room. We were allowed to decorated the space with mum’s textile pictures and placed knitted birds on each chair. Her creative legacy was around us.
Working with another celebrant
Another celebrant (Rosalind Love) helped curate Mum’s life story and facilitated the ceremony. I was there to mourn on this occasion.
We included a poem and a Bible reading. The music we chose was linked to mum’s life story and a picture she had made. We lit candles while listening to bird song.
The ceremony reflected the woman everyone knew.
Personalised coffin
Together my husband, who is an artist, and I hand painted a cardboard coffin at home with images relating to mum. Mum on her bicycle riding towards Glastonbury Tor. An angel knitting. It was a cathartic and fun process.
On the day, mum’s hand-decorated cardboard coffin rested in a connected side room. Here family and friends could spend reflective time before and after the ceremony.
Relaxed ceremony
Timewise it was relaxed, as we had the venue for the afternoon. The ceremony lasted about 45 minutes. We had our post-ceremony refreshments in the same place. There was no need to rush to another venue. We could wander in and out of mum’s space as part of saying goodbye.
Sustainable transport
The venue, being close to the city centre, was accessible by public transport.
Those who couldn’t attend because of infirmity or distance, joined mum’s celebration of life through a live stream video.
Following the ceremony, Mum was driven to the crematorium in a white electric hearse for an unattended cremation. I waved to her that following morning on my way to work, as the hearse drew up at the red lights on the ring road junction. It was an incredibly emotional moment.
A few weeks later, I picked up her ashes on my bike for her last cycle ride home. They will be scattered in a place that was very special to her in her life with another mini-ceremony.
Comments from friends
Everyone at the ceremony gave me very positive feedback, and liked the alternative venue. Those who joined online were also generous in their comments.
“Just a short message to thank you for the really beautiful Celebration of Life for Juanita. It was everything she would have loved not forgetting the wonderfully decorated “travelling onward transport”, so delightful and appropriate for her.”
“I had cabled the Farewell from my iPad stream to the TV, which allowed more detail and atmosphere to be quietly adsorbed, from the magnificent coffin to the feeling of the Room. All voices were clear and so well paced – in contrast to so many Eulogies that are rushed through and gather speed through nervousness and grief. The concept of the backroom for the coffin was brilliant.”
I can help you do something unique too?
As an independent civil celebrant I can help you create a fitting ceremony for your family member or friend. A ceremony at a crematorium may suit you best, but I hope that mum’s ceremony shows how other options can work well.
Please take a look at the funerals section of my website, and contact me when you are ready.
@Juliet Jain, August 2024
