“We’re not having a funeral. Our funeral plan is for a direct cremation. We’ve already paid for it.” My neighbour told me.
A direct cremation is when the funeral director takes the deceased body to the crematorium for cremation without any religious service or celebrant-led ceremony happening. It may involve a funeral director sitting with the coffin in the chapel prior to cremation, which is also known as an unattended cremation. You can have unattended burials too.
I wonder what my neighbour’s daughters will do when the time comes, because I feel if there isn’t some sort of event marking death then it can feel very strange for those still living.
This blog has three examples of finding ways to commemorate someone after the funeral has taken place. A further three idea for non-traditional ceremonial activities are provided for your inspiration going forward after a direct cremation or burial.
Why is having a ceremony important?
Death has been commemorated in many different ways around the world throughout known history. There are many reasons why we want to mark a death occurring. Some are attached to religious or spiritual beliefs. Others are more a personal response to loss and grief. As funerals are part of most cultures, it can seem the right or normal thing to do, even if you don’t have any strong religious beliefs.
We might want to honour the person’s life in great detail, or just have a small moment for a final ‘goodbye’, or even say ‘thank goodness’.
A final ceremony doesn’t have to be anything big or expensive. A simple gathering for reflection, or time on your own, planting a commemorative tree or a rose in the back garden can be sufficient. It is very much down to you, and what you feel is right at that time.
Cremated abroad without a ceremony
Recently, I’ve received a few enquiries about ceremonies for people who have died and been cremated abroad. Their relatives want to mark their death here in the UK. Some have booked to have the ashes scattered or interred in a garden of remembrance at the crematorium.
Clara* came to me with this exact issue. Her father had died while living abroad. She wanted to hold a ceremony for her father at the local crematorium chapel where other family funerals had been held. For Clara this was the right place for her because it was familiar, but the ceremony could have been held in any location.
There was no need for a funeral director to be involved, as Clara’s dad had already been cremated.
Together we created a lovely 30 minute ceremony celebrating her dad’s love of rock music, family life and spontaneous and humorous personality. We met in person and on video calls which enabled me to ask questions and check that Clara was happy with the wording.
Considering how to use the ceremony space is important too. Before the service started I placed the urn containing her dad’s ashes on a table at the front of the chapel with his ‘pork pie’ hat, and his guitar on a stand next to the table. It provided a symbolic visual reminder of her dad in the absence of a coffin.
The celebration of life included music, a tribute, and a poem. Family entered the chapel to Jimi Hendrix ‘Voodoo Child’. Clara’s partner played some Frank Zappa as part of the tribute.
Her uncle recalled happy memories of his brother’s caring nature and personal aptitudes. At the end of the ceremony, I handed the hat to Clara, and she led everyone out of the chapel carrying it, while the Kinks sang ‘Days’.
Thank you for the days
Those endless days, those sacred days you gave me
I'm thinking of the days
I won't forget a single day, believe me
There were tears. And Clara said thank you for making her father’s final farewell special.
“A lot of people came outside in tears afterwards saying what an excellent ceremony it was.“
In essence, the ceremony wasn’t too different from a funeral in terms of structure and location, but if you want something a bit different then keep reading.
A touch of creativity at a commemorative lunch.
I’m with these families whose parents have died in another country. It happened to me too. My father died abroad during the COVID pandemic on the other side of the world where he lived. At the time there wasn’t a formal ceremony to mark his death due to lock-down restrictions. But we needed to mark this finality somehow as a family. (I hadn’t become a celebrant at this point.)
I booked a hotel for lunch in a convenient location for the five of us to meet up. Then I got my craft hat on and created a ‘shoe box’ shrine for my father to take along. Or rather, I should say, started. I didn’t manage to get it completely finished for the day, but it worked as a symbolic gesture.
The hotel restaurant staff couldn’t have been more helpful. They brought a stand for the shrine and put us in a quiet space. We ate and conversed and reflected.
Then my eldest son spoke spontaneously. He told us about his gratitude for having his grandfather in his life, despite the geographic distance. He spoke of his delight that grandpa, a former scout leader, was there for his ‘Ten Tors’ award ceremony.
I cried. There is always time for tears.
Friends and family say goodbye at the pub.
A year later my brother-in-law Len* died. My sister chose a direct cremation and arranged an informal celebration of his life at a later date. For her it wasn’t an economic choice; it was personal. She doesn’t like sitting with a coffin in a crematorium chapel.
My brother-in-law’s celebration of life took place on the hottest day that August, about a month after his cremation. My sister booked out an area at the back of her her local pub and ordered a buffet lunch.
In preparation of the event, she had collated many photos and annotated these with stories from Len’s life. Family and friends looked through Len’s life stories together, at their leisure and over a drink or two.
It was jolly catching up with people and an old friend of Len’s stood up and gave a tribute to Len. We drank a toast to Len, ate our buffet and shared memories. There were tears again.
The party continued back at my sister’s home with those of us who were staying overnight and with local friends. Admittedly, I skipped off to the beach to cool down in the in the sea for an hour or so. (Yes, it was that hot and no, there isn’t a photo!)
Where can you hold a celebration of life or memorial ceremony?
If you are not using a crematorium chapel, then you can hold the ceremony anywhere. Local pubs and hotels, or sports venues (cricket club, golf club), often have function rooms for hire. Any of these are suitable for celebrations of life. Having a venue with catering packages can be helpful.
You can organise your own ceremony in a community hall or even at home if you have enough space. Book outside caterers, if you don’t have the time to do it all yourself. You can even have an outdoor ceremony, but fingers crossed for the weather.
There are a few other considerations when choosing a venue. Make sure that it is accessible for those with mobility issues. Ask if you need your own PA system or is one provided. Test the acoustics and check with the venue about playing music . This is especially important if you or a family member want to play an instrument. Ask about decorating the venue too, or having display boards for photos.
Ideas for celebrations of life and memorials
As a celebrant, I am eager to support anyone who wants help with creating a fitting celebration of life or memorial after a direct or unattended cremation, whether that has occurred in the UK or abroad. Here are three very different ideas for you:
A ceremony with scattering or interring of ashes.
You could save the ceremony for the scattering of the ashes. It could be in a cemetery but many people choose somewhere that has meaning to them and the deceased. A day at the seaside, a boat trip down a river, in the woods, or another special place. I would like to be scattered near Durdle Door.
Think about the following : Who might speak? What words might be said? Is there a poem or a prayer that is special to the person who has died? Is music suitable for the space, especially if outside in a public space?
A ceremonial walk or cycle ride.
If your family member or friend was a keen walker or cyclist, how about taking a walk or ride with family and friends? Work out a route and have stopping points for different memories to be shared or parts of their life story to be read out along the route. Work out who is going to say what and where in advance, and create a ceremonial route map.
Obviously there are some health and safety and accessibility issues you might need to consider. But you could keep it simple by walking around the paths in a local park.
Most walkers and cyclists like a bit of tea and cake, so refreshments are a good reward for participating. Was there a favourite café your family member or friend used to go to?
Create a memorial wall collage with photos and messages.
This activity is suitable for an indoor or outdoor venue. Either use display screens for pinning, hang sheets of lining paper on a wall, or a have a ‘washing line’ with pegs (see image below).
Have pots of coloured pens, adhesive glue, blue tack, pins, stickers, post-it notes, string, yarn, fabric, sequins, whatever takes your fancy and is suitable. Encourage family and friends to bring printed out pictures to stick on the memorial wall and write their memories throughout the event.
Play music and take photos/video to capture the ‘memorial wall’ for posterity. You might want to make some formal elements around this, or have it completely free-flowing.
How can I help you with your ceremony?
Hopefully, the ideas in this blog have sparked something for you. You can have a very different ceremony to a traditional funeral, even if a direct cremation has been chosen.
If you want me to be your alternative funeral celebrant, then please get in touch and we can have a chat.
Phone/text 07874 123951or email hello@julietjaincelebrant.uk
*Names have been changed for privacy.
©Juliet Jain September 2025. Image credits Author’s own, Unsplashed and Freepik.
